The Cupid Shield.

The third date brought out the first kiss. Two weeks later it brought the email. She enjoyed her time with me, but with her job taking her to conventions all the time she just didn't want to devote time to dating. Intellectually I completely agreed with her line of reasoning. She traveled a lot for her job. Our three dates were over a more than two month period because of her conventions. I was worried about the amount of time I spent on the job and commuting to the job. It was hard for me to find a clear time in my schedule for a date. Despite all that, I still hated getting the rejection email. The human heart is an emotional thing, not a rational thing.

While I'm glad in some ways I'm tired of this romantic netherworld I inhabit. I used to work nights so I couldn't meet anyone unless she had my vampiric tendencies. Then I went to law school. Law school is not conducive to meeting anyone. The pressure makes people psycho and isn't a relationship nurturing environment. The one fellow student I tried to express an interest in gutted me in way I didn't know possible. Then it took several years just to find a job that used my degree. Unemployment gets in the way of dating. It's too expensive and women tend to frown on deadbeats. It isn't very good for the self esteem either. Now that I have the full time job I still don't want to get into the dating pool. I can't meet the time and money commitments right now. I'm still trying to rebuild my life from the 5 year school/unemployment hole that was created. After the hour commute from Small Town the last thing I want to do at night is stay out for awhile longer, no matter how cute she may be.

Yet I'm lonely. I was okay with being alone, but I've been lonely for a long time now. I'm tired of waiting for my life to get back together enough that I can be with someone again. Please don't think I'm asking for my life to be perfect before I reenter the dating pool. Far from it! I would like it to be relatively normal and have no more than a typical amount of stress. I don't know when it happened, but I stopped looking for a woman to date a long time ago. I'm looking for a mate at this point in my life. I'm looking for someone to share this live with. I suppose that's when I started to become lonely instead of alone.

I'm starting to feel my age. I'm starting to feel time slipping from me, time I can't get back. I put up a jokingly false bravado about my old man status. I can't let my friends see that I truly understand the importance of our finite time. In the time since my last major relationship I've known people to first meet their future spouse, get married, and already have one or two children. I have no desire to rush into anything. A bad relationship is far worse than no relationship. I've lived that enough times. Yet when can I start sharing my soul with a companion? When can I start to think in terms of 'we' and 'our'? When will my life be stable enough that I can offer someone a piece of me?

For too many years my life went backwards or nowhere. I'm slowly feeling some forward progress. I wish I could feel more progress. I wish I could finally share my life instead of coldly observe it. For so many things in live I prefer that cold rational mode, yet in the end I secretly crave the warmth of an emotional love. We all have our secrets, even me.