Reflections From An Altered Mirror

Right now two women are involved in my life. No, not in that way! The first woman is Best Gal Pal. BGP I've known for 9 or 10 years at this point. She used to date one of my best friends, but he's an idiot and lost her. When it came to divide the common and uncommon friends in the 'divorce' (they were never married actually but that was part of the problem) BGP and not my friend ended up with me! I don't mind that as I've had more fun with BGP over the past few years than I've had with my idiot friend.

The second woman is BGP's best friend. The best I can come up with is Redheaded Best Friend (RBF). For now that will have to do as a working title, but RBF deserves a better handle on this anonymous blog. I met RBF when I met BGP at a local martini bar for fun night out. It was bad enough RBF was cute, single, and a redhead but I quickly discovered she was very intelligent with a wicked sense of humor. Needless to say it was practically a crush at first sight.

I *hate* crushes. They form from nothing or next to nothing. Crushes form from a visual appeal, or by hearing interesting phrases in conversation. Crushes certainly don't form from a relationship. Although the romantic in me says that sometimes crushes can lead to relationships. As a more practical matter crushes make a normally somewhat confident and highly intelligent person like me turn into a flabbergasted, awkward, insecure 17 year old again. I HATED that era. I have no desire to relive it again, yet I do every time I have a crush on someone. Besides over the past few decades I've had to create armor, shields, and weapons to prevent myself from being hurt and just survive the world I'm in. A damn crush just seems to bypass all my defensive mechanisms and I feel so vulnerable.

It was fairly easy to ignore the crush on the RedheadedBestFriend. I didn't see RBF very often and when I did it was usually in the company of BestGalPal and idiot friend, or with those two in addition to them as a part of an even bigger group. Then RBF moved away from Big City and I thought it unlikely I would see her. She wanted to get a masters or Ph.D. in Lake City, a 5 hour drive away. Strangely enough BGP and my idiot friend also ended up in Lake City so they all roomed together (NOT IN THAT WAY!!! Gawd you people have dirty minds. Oh, wait I'm projecting the audience so I'm the one with the dirty mind. Carry on then!) Lake City has friends and fun so I would travel there once or twice a year. They would come to Big City once or twice a year so we would all see each other. Every time we chatted I quickly discovered what kryptonite this RBF truly was to me. She was an intellectual, an artist, a historian, a scientist, a geek, a reader of books, abreast of world wide information, and a redhead. The recipe for Wolfrham Hart Kryptonite was her!

Oh crap. Keep the armor on and don't let RBF in close please. I've had relationships blow up and felt the Agony of Failure. I'm used to that, but RBF represented twist on the usual, the Agony of Hope! My world has grown perverse of the years. Hope, dreams, good, faith, all seem to die in both my professional world and in my personal world. I've never gotten into too much of what my job in Small Town represents, but suffice it to say hope, dreams, and faith in humanity die every day on that job. My natural armor and weapons were enhanced by the nature of the job. The tools and armor I needed for my professional life merged easily with my personal defenses. That's very depressing to be honest. A part of me say there should never been an Agony of Hope, yet why does it exist? Why am I capable of seeing the world in such a dark way?

My role as Watcher allows me to be above life and yet not in it. I observe others. I observe their hopes, their dreams, their ordinary motions, their downfalls, their failures. My role as Warrior allows me to defend the weak, vanquish foes, use my might to make right. My role as Guardian is to keep all the secrets everyone confides in me. I keep their weaknesses, their problems, and sometimes their dreams in the private chambers of my soul. My role as Counsel is to provide the guidance and wisdom so many need, yet so many fail to listen. In all that I do for others, where are the roles for me and my needs? Where are the roles others play in my life for me?

I'm not certain I've ever truly pondered that question.

I'm wanting to have the roles of Companion and Lover. If you think about it those are truly joint roles between two people. You can not be a Companion or Lover without someone else. I used to be alone, but not lonely. Over the past few years that changed to alone and lonely. Perhaps BestGalPal knows that somehow. She has encouraged me to act on my crush with the RedheadedBestFriend. I'm heading up to Lake City this weekend. I'll be staying with friends, but I've arranged a date with RBF. She doesn't realize it is a date. We'll just be two people going out for a fun day and hopefully dinner. I figure if a good night kiss is involved I can call it a date.

While a single kiss does not make a Companion or Lover, a single kiss can start down that road. At least I'm going to try finally. At least I'll try again after my past few failures. My Agony of Hope needs to be resolved one way or another. I'm used to seeing Hope die, but sometimes Hope blossoms. Sometimes you can let yourself be vulnerable and be rewarded for it. For once, just this once despite all my hangups, can Hope blossom for me?

So It Has Been Awhile I See.

Once upon a time I was a very prolific blogger. Seems that time passed long ago. Part of the reason is I'm so damned busy these days, at least when it comes to work. Small Town is still my daily life even though I can't stand the job and the commute. Another reason I don't want to blog is I don't want ALL of my writing to be of the "this just plain sucks" variety. I like to think I'm not a completely negative person.

Yet quite a bit has occurred since I last posted here. I was dating someone for a bit. Sounds good, right? It was, until she dumped me. Turns out you can't work a busy job, take classes for an MBA, be at everyone's beck and call, and date me at the same time! Hell, we've gone through an entire NFL post season since I've last posted here.

I should post here more often. Sure FaceBook offers some quick relief to share my thoughts, but a blog has so many advantages if you're willing to invest the time. I need to write to sort out some of my thoughts. So many things confuse me now and I hate being confused.

I have a weird thing coming up soon. I'll need to write about that just so I can use my posts as a script idea as it'll be that weird! Until the next time folks.

Let's Do A 180.

Last night involved about 5 minutes of texting and a 30 minute phone call. She was interested in a second date and wanted it to be Friday night. I'm good with that. This afternoon I get an email stating she like me but didn't see this going anywhere serious.

WTF?

Normally you don't even plan the second date if you're not interested. I'm so confused by the female half of the species.

Happy Singles Awareness Day.

I admit it. I really dislike February 14th. I know most people call it Valentine's Day, but that is only the name given to it by those who practice the Coupledom faith. As I do not practice that faith I'm more akin to my Jewish friends around Christmas time. My Jewish buddies, I know what you mean.

What makes me even more bitter (as if that were possible) was that in January I actually started to date someone. She was very smart, very interesting, and had many of the same interests and passions I did. I thought things were going well and I was looking forward to slowly evolving into a couple with her. Until 10 days ago when I received the "Dear Wolfrham" email. She just wasn't that excited about 'us' anymore.

Wow, not even 30 days and I'm already dumped. Though I'll never know her reasons why I get the feeling from a few things she said that I was the rebound guy after her 5 year relationship fizzled last year. I also get the feeling that perfection with her would have been if I instantly did all the good things she wanted in a relationship without having to go through any of the growing pains. Well I'm sorry but I don't believe relationships work that way. Two people just don't automatically click together in every aspect without any work. Work takes time.

I know any future relationship with me won't be the easiest thing. The things people involved in a long term relationship take for granted are new and unusual things to me. I think people have limited memories and forget what things were like before they were with someone else. To me, dating and relationships present a steep learning curve. Historically I simply haven't dated that much overall and I haven't been in a long term relationship in a very long time. My life went in a different direction than most people, and to top it off I know I've evolved some thick emotional armor. I like to think the right person would enjoy being with me and be willing to do some work to know the inner layers of me. Instead I'm cast aside like an unfavorable meal.

The past few days I wasn't bitter at all. Today, I'm just plain cranky and mean. For those who want to be happy with their significant other today enjoy it. You deserve it. I just don't want to be around it today. B'ah humbug! Perhaps I'll visit my parents later and have the unconditional love of DogHound. Who would have thought my fur-buddy would be a better companion than most people?

Pleasant Surprises.

Normally meeting someone for coffee is a 60 minute affair or so. When coffee and lunch lasts for 5 hours you know it was a good first meeting. Especially when she has a VIP discount card for the beer we're drinking. Wow. That has to be one of the best first dates ever.

Mexian is planned for Tuesday night already. She's a planner. I'm just going to roll with it and enjoy the ride.

Things To Be Thankful For.

As pessimistic and jaded as I am I do feel the need to be thoughtful on occasion. I must remind myself that things could be far far worse!

1. I do have a job in the legal field that pays my bills. Sure I don't like the job, the commute, the clientele, but I recall being unemployed around 2 years ago and wondering how was I going to survive and how was I going to make use of this shiny, but apparently useless degree I had. What am I thankful for, I'm now at a place where I can start planning for the next stage of my career and I have the luxury of time.

2. I have a family that loves and supports me. I may not relate to them very much but we do tend to help each other. Without their support throughout my life and especially through these past few years I would be in a far worse situation than I am now.

3. Doghound! It is obvious Doghound is in the final fall and winter of his life and is unlikely to make it to the next sunny spring day. So every time I find Doghound at my parents' home I make sure I pet him and play with him. No matter how bad a day I've had if I put Doghound in my lap and just pet him I will feel much better. I'm thankful for the fact Doghound makes me feel better so I better enjoy him for the time we have left together.

4. Thanks to the internet and eHarChemtach.com I'm dating again. Sure there are dates with no chemistry or only one of use feels something or I never want to see her again and she's still stalking me, but hey at least I'm in the market for female companionship. While I keep debating if I should hold off on dating again until I have a job with less of a commute so I have more free time at least I can write a food and coffee shop guide to Big City now.

5. The Internet. It provides me with information about things I like and the ability to describe the insaneness of humanity. While I'm not perfect I'm thankful for the fact I'm not as crazy, stupid, or useless as those people! Thanks to the internet I get to maintain my sanity.

I'm sure other people have more selfless and altruistic things to be thankful for. Eh I'll take what I can get. Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

More Exciting Than Watching Paint Dry, Barely.

Dating is exciting in some ways and boring in others. It is exciting when you meet new people. It is boring when you realize there is just no chemistry between the two of you. I try go to for at least 2 dates. The first date you tend to be tense so I feel the second date is more realistic if you can get to a second date.

This was date number four. The first two were after insanely exhausting days at work so I couldn't tell if I was falling asleep due to an extreme lack of sleep or the fact I just wasn't really feeling anything with her. After having 2 more dates I've come to the conclusion: we just don't match up well in real life. Oh paper things look good, but that's why you have to test the theory and see if the reality matches.

I feel sorry for her. I can tell she likes me a bit. I think that is the worst part.

On the plus side I have date number 2 with someone else tomorrow night. Some chemistry is there so perhaps this could develop into something. Who knows, right?

The Meloncholy Season

I admit it. I don't love this time of year. I don't hate it, but it doesn't feel my heart with joy and thoughts of peace. The holidays remind me of what I don't have instead of what I do have. Is it a long term jealousy or a long term reminder of the truer things in life? I suspect both. The holidays are supposed to be with loved ones, friends, and family. I haven't been in a relationship in a very long time so there are no loved ones. Most of my closest friends are married with families of their own and are no longer in the Big City area. As for my family I'm not emotionally close to most of them. I was always the odd family member compared to the rest of the family.

I can see that some things are finally turning around. I do have a stable job. I don't like the job for a variety of reasons, but a steady paycheck after multiple years of law school, unemployment, and job hunting is a big plus. In this economy we should be thankful for any jobs. Thanks to the Small Town job I've paid off about half my non-education related debt. If gas prices stay low I might be able to have that debt paid off by this time next year.

Since cash flow isn't as big a problem now perhaps I may allow myself the luxury of dating again sometime next year. The few times I've tried to get back into the dating pool these past few years always served as a reminder that dating is really a financial luxury. Many creative and wonderful dates can be had for a mere $20 or $30, but I didn't even have that much money to spare the last few years. For too many years I've denied my emotional needs for the needs of school followed by the needs of my finances. Perhaps next year I can pay attention to my wants and rebuild other aspects of my life.

As for this year at least I got to have a few weekend road trips. I started to live my life a little bit and I want to have more road trips and perhaps a true vacation. For 5 or 6 years I never let myself relax. Everyone needs some joy in their lives. With luck and I'm betting a lot of hard work and little sleep I can see some joy coming back. Maybe that is what the holidays are supposed to provide, some joy and hope for the future, even for people like me.

The Cupid Shield.

The third date brought out the first kiss. Two weeks later it brought the email. She enjoyed her time with me, but with her job taking her to conventions all the time she just didn't want to devote time to dating. Intellectually I completely agreed with her line of reasoning. She traveled a lot for her job. Our three dates were over a more than two month period because of her conventions. I was worried about the amount of time I spent on the job and commuting to the job. It was hard for me to find a clear time in my schedule for a date. Despite all that, I still hated getting the rejection email. The human heart is an emotional thing, not a rational thing.

While I'm glad in some ways I'm tired of this romantic netherworld I inhabit. I used to work nights so I couldn't meet anyone unless she had my vampiric tendencies. Then I went to law school. Law school is not conducive to meeting anyone. The pressure makes people psycho and isn't a relationship nurturing environment. The one fellow student I tried to express an interest in gutted me in way I didn't know possible. Then it took several years just to find a job that used my degree. Unemployment gets in the way of dating. It's too expensive and women tend to frown on deadbeats. It isn't very good for the self esteem either. Now that I have the full time job I still don't want to get into the dating pool. I can't meet the time and money commitments right now. I'm still trying to rebuild my life from the 5 year school/unemployment hole that was created. After the hour commute from Small Town the last thing I want to do at night is stay out for awhile longer, no matter how cute she may be.

Yet I'm lonely. I was okay with being alone, but I've been lonely for a long time now. I'm tired of waiting for my life to get back together enough that I can be with someone again. Please don't think I'm asking for my life to be perfect before I reenter the dating pool. Far from it! I would like it to be relatively normal and have no more than a typical amount of stress. I don't know when it happened, but I stopped looking for a woman to date a long time ago. I'm looking for a mate at this point in my life. I'm looking for someone to share this live with. I suppose that's when I started to become lonely instead of alone.

I'm starting to feel my age. I'm starting to feel time slipping from me, time I can't get back. I put up a jokingly false bravado about my old man status. I can't let my friends see that I truly understand the importance of our finite time. In the time since my last major relationship I've known people to first meet their future spouse, get married, and already have one or two children. I have no desire to rush into anything. A bad relationship is far worse than no relationship. I've lived that enough times. Yet when can I start sharing my soul with a companion? When can I start to think in terms of 'we' and 'our'? When will my life be stable enough that I can offer someone a piece of me?

For too many years my life went backwards or nowhere. I'm slowly feeling some forward progress. I wish I could feel more progress. I wish I could finally share my life instead of coldly observe it. For so many things in live I prefer that cold rational mode, yet in the end I secretly crave the warmth of an emotional love. We all have our secrets, even me.

Modern Dating Sucks.

*The sound of a record needle sliding off a vinyl record.*

"I'm sorry, did you say your husband wouldn't like that? I know it's April Fools but you seriously shouldn't joke about that."

It wasn't a joke. One of my biggest rules in dating is I don't date anyone who is married or getting a divorce. If the divorce has been final for awhile that's different. Gah!

I Knew It Was Too Good To Be True!

I'm sorry I haven't posted much lately. I've been insanely busy with work. The hour commute to Small Town doesn't help. The weekends I've either been out of town or sick. It's just been a busy time. Very few hours aren't committed to something.



I also had one other distraction. We started to date a few years ago, then she gave me the let's just be friends speech. I decided I wanted nothing to do with her and that was that. Back in January I restarted my online personal ad. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to do that, but I figured why not. She responded to my ad again. She said she thought of me the past 2 years and was curious if I wanted to reply.



We had some fun. We had a lot in common. I was patient with her slow get to know you process. The truth is she was awesome and I was pissed when suddenly she changed course and game me the let's be friends speech. I replied to her email.



We've meet a few times during the weeknights. Long enough to have a meal or do a quick activity. However she's a early to bed person so she started turning into a pumpkin around 8:30. Fair enough since everyone had to work the next mornings. I wasn't feeling any chemistry or vibes but she had such a weird style I wasn't sure if I should be concerned by that.

At this point we've gone out a few times in a month, but I'm no closer to figuring out what she wants. Is she wanting to be friends first and see if I'm "the one" or is this her slow steady style again. Of course she could just want me as a friend period. I finally just asked her. Nope she wants me just as a friend. "Couldn't you tell?" Given her screwy slow system and whatever weirdo rules involved in dating now, honestly no.

At least I have certainty. I know I don't really need to invest any energy into her. I just wish I wasn't a friend. She's way too great to be a friend. Cie la vie indeed. I knew it was too early to get back into the dating scene. Too much chaos at work, too much time involved there, and too much VISA debt. Yeah this sucks no matter what.