The Meloncholy Season

I admit it. I don't love this time of year. I don't hate it, but it doesn't feel my heart with joy and thoughts of peace. The holidays remind me of what I don't have instead of what I do have. Is it a long term jealousy or a long term reminder of the truer things in life? I suspect both. The holidays are supposed to be with loved ones, friends, and family. I haven't been in a relationship in a very long time so there are no loved ones. Most of my closest friends are married with families of their own and are no longer in the Big City area. As for my family I'm not emotionally close to most of them. I was always the odd family member compared to the rest of the family.

I can see that some things are finally turning around. I do have a stable job. I don't like the job for a variety of reasons, but a steady paycheck after multiple years of law school, unemployment, and job hunting is a big plus. In this economy we should be thankful for any jobs. Thanks to the Small Town job I've paid off about half my non-education related debt. If gas prices stay low I might be able to have that debt paid off by this time next year.

Since cash flow isn't as big a problem now perhaps I may allow myself the luxury of dating again sometime next year. The few times I've tried to get back into the dating pool these past few years always served as a reminder that dating is really a financial luxury. Many creative and wonderful dates can be had for a mere $20 or $30, but I didn't even have that much money to spare the last few years. For too many years I've denied my emotional needs for the needs of school followed by the needs of my finances. Perhaps next year I can pay attention to my wants and rebuild other aspects of my life.

As for this year at least I got to have a few weekend road trips. I started to live my life a little bit and I want to have more road trips and perhaps a true vacation. For 5 or 6 years I never let myself relax. Everyone needs some joy in their lives. With luck and I'm betting a lot of hard work and little sleep I can see some joy coming back. Maybe that is what the holidays are supposed to provide, some joy and hope for the future, even for people like me.