Right now two women are involved in my life. No, not in that way! The first woman is Best Gal Pal. BGP I've known for 9 or 10 years at this point. She used to date one of my best friends, but he's an idiot and lost her. When it came to divide the common and uncommon friends in the 'divorce' (they were never married actually but that was part of the problem) BGP and not my friend ended up with me! I don't mind that as I've had more fun with BGP over the past few years than I've had with my idiot friend.
The second woman is BGP's best friend. The best I can come up with is Redheaded Best Friend (RBF). For now that will have to do as a working title, but RBF deserves a better handle on this anonymous blog. I met RBF when I met BGP at a local martini bar for fun night out. It was bad enough RBF was cute, single, and a redhead but I quickly discovered she was very intelligent with a wicked sense of humor. Needless to say it was practically a crush at first sight.
I *hate* crushes. They form from nothing or next to nothing. Crushes form from a visual appeal, or by hearing interesting phrases in conversation. Crushes certainly don't form from a relationship. Although the romantic in me says that sometimes crushes can lead to relationships. As a more practical matter crushes make a normally somewhat confident and highly intelligent person like me turn into a flabbergasted, awkward, insecure 17 year old again. I HATED that era. I have no desire to relive it again, yet I do every time I have a crush on someone. Besides over the past few decades I've had to create armor, shields, and weapons to prevent myself from being hurt and just survive the world I'm in. A damn crush just seems to bypass all my defensive mechanisms and I feel so vulnerable.
It was fairly easy to ignore the crush on the RedheadedBestFriend. I didn't see RBF very often and when I did it was usually in the company of BestGalPal and idiot friend, or with those two in addition to them as a part of an even bigger group. Then RBF moved away from Big City and I thought it unlikely I would see her. She wanted to get a masters or Ph.D. in Lake City, a 5 hour drive away. Strangely enough BGP and my idiot friend also ended up in Lake City so they all roomed together (NOT IN THAT WAY!!! Gawd you people have dirty minds. Oh, wait I'm projecting the audience so I'm the one with the dirty mind. Carry on then!) Lake City has friends and fun so I would travel there once or twice a year. They would come to Big City once or twice a year so we would all see each other. Every time we chatted I quickly discovered what kryptonite this RBF truly was to me. She was an intellectual, an artist, a historian, a scientist, a geek, a reader of books, abreast of world wide information, and a redhead. The recipe for Wolfrham Hart Kryptonite was her!
Oh crap. Keep the armor on and don't let RBF in close please. I've had relationships blow up and felt the Agony of Failure. I'm used to that, but RBF represented twist on the usual, the Agony of Hope! My world has grown perverse of the years. Hope, dreams, good, faith, all seem to die in both my professional world and in my personal world. I've never gotten into too much of what my job in Small Town represents, but suffice it to say hope, dreams, and faith in humanity die every day on that job. My natural armor and weapons were enhanced by the nature of the job. The tools and armor I needed for my professional life merged easily with my personal defenses. That's very depressing to be honest. A part of me say there should never been an Agony of Hope, yet why does it exist? Why am I capable of seeing the world in such a dark way?
My role as Watcher allows me to be above life and yet not in it. I observe others. I observe their hopes, their dreams, their ordinary motions, their downfalls, their failures. My role as Warrior allows me to defend the weak, vanquish foes, use my might to make right. My role as Guardian is to keep all the secrets everyone confides in me. I keep their weaknesses, their problems, and sometimes their dreams in the private chambers of my soul. My role as Counsel is to provide the guidance and wisdom so many need, yet so many fail to listen. In all that I do for others, where are the roles for me and my needs? Where are the roles others play in my life for me?
I'm not certain I've ever truly pondered that question.
I'm wanting to have the roles of Companion and Lover. If you think about it those are truly joint roles between two people. You can not be a Companion or Lover without someone else. I used to be alone, but not lonely. Over the past few years that changed to alone and lonely. Perhaps BestGalPal knows that somehow. She has encouraged me to act on my crush with the RedheadedBestFriend. I'm heading up to Lake City this weekend. I'll be staying with friends, but I've arranged a date with RBF. She doesn't realize it is a date. We'll just be two people going out for a fun day and hopefully dinner. I figure if a good night kiss is involved I can call it a date.
While a single kiss does not make a Companion or Lover, a single kiss can start down that road. At least I'm going to try finally. At least I'll try again after my past few failures. My Agony of Hope needs to be resolved one way or another. I'm used to seeing Hope die, but sometimes Hope blossoms. Sometimes you can let yourself be vulnerable and be rewarded for it. For once, just this once despite all my hangups, can Hope blossom for me?
