Quotes For The Best Laid Plans.

Quote #1:
Judge: Mr. Hart, why are we here today?

Me: Well your honor, for once one of my plans worked!

Judge: Feels good doesn't it?

Quote #2 (later that day)
Judge: Mr. Hart, what is the status of this case?

Me: Your honor it's like a sine wave, started up, then went down, but now we're back up.

Quote #3 (also later that day)
After hearing some unexpected testimony, being somewhat pleasantly surprised, and glancing down at the notes my boss left me concerning this case.

Judge: Mr. Hart, what do you want to do?

Me *glances at the written notes again*: Your honor I'm going to overrule my boss and ...

Quote #4 (yes this was even later in the day)
Judge: Mr. Hart, who do you want next?

Me: I'm just going with whoever's file is at the top of this pile.

Denny Crane: 2012!

A Boston Legal marathon is on TVLand right now. Ah, the good ol' days of Denny Crane drinking scotch, smoking cigars, winning cases, and shooting people at random. I'll be honest after about Season 2 I stopped watching, but there was still plenty of good stuff.

I proclaim this the best political commercial for the 2012 presidential race.

Happy Singles Awareness Day.

I admit it. I really dislike February 14th. I know most people call it Valentine's Day, but that is only the name given to it by those who practice the Coupledom faith. As I do not practice that faith I'm more akin to my Jewish friends around Christmas time. My Jewish buddies, I know what you mean.

What makes me even more bitter (as if that were possible) was that in January I actually started to date someone. She was very smart, very interesting, and had many of the same interests and passions I did. I thought things were going well and I was looking forward to slowly evolving into a couple with her. Until 10 days ago when I received the "Dear Wolfrham" email. She just wasn't that excited about 'us' anymore.

Wow, not even 30 days and I'm already dumped. Though I'll never know her reasons why I get the feeling from a few things she said that I was the rebound guy after her 5 year relationship fizzled last year. I also get the feeling that perfection with her would have been if I instantly did all the good things she wanted in a relationship without having to go through any of the growing pains. Well I'm sorry but I don't believe relationships work that way. Two people just don't automatically click together in every aspect without any work. Work takes time.

I know any future relationship with me won't be the easiest thing. The things people involved in a long term relationship take for granted are new and unusual things to me. I think people have limited memories and forget what things were like before they were with someone else. To me, dating and relationships present a steep learning curve. Historically I simply haven't dated that much overall and I haven't been in a long term relationship in a very long time. My life went in a different direction than most people, and to top it off I know I've evolved some thick emotional armor. I like to think the right person would enjoy being with me and be willing to do some work to know the inner layers of me. Instead I'm cast aside like an unfavorable meal.

The past few days I wasn't bitter at all. Today, I'm just plain cranky and mean. For those who want to be happy with their significant other today enjoy it. You deserve it. I just don't want to be around it today. B'ah humbug! Perhaps I'll visit my parents later and have the unconditional love of DogHound. Who would have thought my fur-buddy would be a better companion than most people?

My Former IT Background Rises Again.

I would have no idea how to operate a Mac to be honest.

You are a PC

You're practical, thrifty, and able to do almost anything. Appearances and trends aren't important to you. You just like to get the job done. You pride yourself on being very flexible and adaptable. You do well in many different environments, and you can get along with just about anyone. You aren't stuck up. If anything, you are quite humble and down to earth. You accept your flaws and deal with them. You don't cover up your problems with pretty packaging.

Are You a Mac or a PC?

Blogthings: We Have a Quiz for Almost Everything

I Need To Find More Time To Read.

You Are Fantasy / Sci Fi

You have an amazing imagination, and in your mind, all things are possible. You are open minded, and you find the future exciting. You crave novelty and progress. Compared to most people, you are quirky and even a bit eccentric. You have some wacky ideas. And while you may be a bit off the wall, there's no denying how insightful and creative you are.

What Kind of Book Are You?

Blogthings: Quizzes and Tests and Memes, Oh My!

Mondays: The Legal Edition

I swear I never put so much effort into so few hearings and gotten so little accomplished.

1) First hearing and I discovered it was set for January 25, 2011. Yes 2011!
2) Hearing #2 and the other attorney wonders if we should just continue the hearing and see if things will work out.
3) Hearing #3 Pushy Clerk let's me know we're filing an appearance on a case and the hearing is in 15 minutes. 15 minutes, really I just need 5 to prep the whole file! Does anyone have any idea what the issues at this hearing are?
4) Hearing #4, I show up, but the pro-se contestant who wrote the letter requesting the hearing didn't show up.
5) Hearing #5: Oh NOW you show up! Dude you were supposed to appear last Thursday.

Eh that's only half the stories today. Jeez what a screwball day.

Down To The Football Final Four.

Oh I LOVE this time of year. Colts/Jets and Saints/Vikings. 3 awesome quarterbacks and a scrappy up and comer. I suspect the Colts/Jets game in the AFC Championship will be lower scoring grind it out type of game. Saints/Vikings for the NFC Championship is going to be a festival of offense.

If only I had friends coming over to watch the game and bring some beer. A good football party is a beautiful thing.

Rain, Rain, Go Away!

If you like cold, wet, and miserable today was your lucky day. While the outside was miserable, inside at work was okay. It was nice to have a fairly productive day. Sadly I don't see too many of those. I wish they occurred more often.

Who Gives These Morons Advice Like This?

*Names changed to protect the guilty and the stupid.

Me: Okay ma'am, do you have any idea where "dumb-ass ex-husband" is? Would he be in jail somewhere again?

Woman: Oh no he escaped. He was on work release in Big City and just didn't come back one day. He's even on Big City's 10 Most Wanted List.

Me: WHAT!?!?!

Woman: Oh yeah, he escaped down to Texas and calls me from there sometimes. He thinks he can't be extradited from down there.

Me: "Dumb-Ass Ex-Husband" thinks he won't be extradited from Texas??? He might want to cross the Rio Grande before he even thinks that thought.

Woman: If I can ever get an address on him I'm reporting him to that tipline. I want that reward!

Me: Might be the only money you ever get out of him.


I'll be honest. I've reached the point where I think we should just firebomb really stupid people just to get them out of the gene pool. He's Candidate #1.

I Thought The Drive To My Job Was Bad.

EDIT: Since the original got yanked off of YouTube how about the properly licensed original from NBC?

But 10:00 p.m. should be my bedtime!

Pleasant Surprises.

Normally meeting someone for coffee is a 60 minute affair or so. When coffee and lunch lasts for 5 hours you know it was a good first meeting. Especially when she has a VIP discount card for the beer we're drinking. Wow. That has to be one of the best first dates ever.

Mexian is planned for Tuesday night already. She's a planner. I'm just going to roll with it and enjoy the ride.

His End Is Too Near.

The noble and wonderful Doghound is dying. We've known this since before autumn. The vet did an x-ray and the mass, likely cancer, in Doghound's body was obvious. The vet didn't want to do any surgery to confirm the diagnosis since at Doghound's age that would likely kill him. The vet prescribed quite a few meds for Doghound and things seemed okay at first.

The past few months Doghound became finicky about food and quite adapt at finding the pills we hid in them. Spitting out meds was almost a sport for him. Now he's barely eating and barely drinking his water. With all the snow on the ground he does like to eat it when he goes for a quick walk. Yet he sleeps so much when my parents walk into a room and see him laying on the floor they wonder if he's already passed. Then he'll pop up his head and wonder why his humans are looking at him so much.

Friday night I was at my parents' home with Doghound laying his head on my lap. I remembered when I would arrive he would wag his tail and just vibrate his body at my arrival. I remembered when we used to play tug of war with a thick rope. I remembered when I was sick and he simply sat down next to me as if to watch me and make sure I was okay. I remembered the first day we brought him home as a puppy. I turned a box lid upside down for him to be on. The box had a half inch lip and it was an impenetrable barrier Doghound could not cross. The next day Doghound stepped over the lip and nothing stopped him since. One time time I was reading the newspaper at my parents' family room table and Doghound did a flat-footed jump onto the table! Doghound decided I was finished reading the paper. With his head in my lap Friday night I leaned in and told him I'm sorry his time was soon and I was sorry I couldn't do anything to stop it.

Some people think a dog is just a dog. To me the truth is simple, most dogs are better than most humans and most dogs will treat you better than most human beings will. When you go to a breeder or shelter I have the feeling the reality is the dog chooses you, and not the other way around. Doghound choose us as his humans. For food, a scratch behind the ears, and an old blanket to sleep on he provided love, companionship, protection from squirrels, and unlimited tail wags. Whatever problems I was having required only a few pets of his fur to make me feel better.

My gut tells me we're down to just days now. My furry friend and companion will be gone soon. I hate it, but at least I know he was well loved and had a great life. If only more of us were as lucky as Doghound.

I Can't Fix The World.

I've had two incidents this week that have driven me batty. The incidents have varying levels of seriousness but I think they're both symptoms of the same problem.

Incident One:

Pushy Clerk: Wolfrham, can you tell why the Case Number isn't coming up in the Database?
Me: Eh? *Thinking this sounds like a computer issue and wondering why Pushy Clerk is asking me this question.*
Pushy Clerk: See, when you type in the Database Number there is no Case Number assigned to it.
Me: Okay, you're correct. Why are you asking me this? I don't control the Database.
Pushy Clerk: Well when you wrote the order, didn't you notice the case fields would have come up blank or did they even come up blank in the first place?

*As an aside one of the things the Database does is to interface with a Microsoft Word template for our documentation. Certain things like a person's name, the case number, the court the case is in would fit into the template when I bring up the document I need to work on.*

Me: I wrote the order a few days ago. I just don't remember if the fields were working or if I just manually wrote them in. This Database has so many problems when I run into a problem I usually just fix stuff on the spot because it takes less time.
Pushy Clerk: Yes, but why is there no Case Number assigned to the Database?
Me: *Oh crap we're back to that question again?" I'm sorry I just don't know why the Case Number isn't in there. We could test what happens with the document by generating a new one and seeing what happens. *I'm thinking I'm pretty smart now."
Second Clerk: *shouting to all in the office* The template is done! You're not going to be able to generate any documents!
Me: *Crap!* Or we can experiment when the template is back up and running. Whenever that is. Look that sounds like a technical issue that is far beyond my knowledge. I'm sorry but I just don't know how to answer you.

Pushy Clerk and I may speak English, but we can't communicate with each other anymore. To me the question sounded like a technical issue involving a computer database. I now suspect she was really trying to ask a different question but just didn't phrase it in a way I would understand. Sadly I'm just not certain what the "real" question was. Somehow I am to resolve any problem, make sure the process was performed perfectly, and she let's me know when something is wrong. Not only that but Pushy Clerk loves to let me know how I let something wrong occur. Sometimes I did forget something, but other times the answer, "that is how the judge ruled" is not an acceptable answer. I've started to put in the orders I write that I was overruled on an issue just to remind Pushy Clerk that higher powers exist over me.

Incident Two:

The Judge simply got tired of the case and shut it down. The Judge wasn't going to deal with this anymore and suggested a potential resolution. Here's the problem: that resolution is very simplistic and I'm not certain I could ethically do it. All of the judges are getting tired of our cases. I don't blame them. So many of my cases just run into problem after problem after problem and won't resolve themselves. I went across the hall to visit with a co-worker, Obi-Wan, in another division. His division was part of the proposed solution.

I explained the Judge's concerns and I explained the fact pattern. I agreed in some situations Obi-Wan's department was a great solution. In other situations there was no way his department should be part of the solution. But this case was a 'tweener case and I wasn't sure where on that spectrum it would fall. Sadly a lot of my cases would be a 'tweener case and I really needed Obi-Wan's insight. I did learn a few things, but many of Obi-Wan's thoughts mirrored my own.

On a professional level, I believe if I'm referring a case to the other division I need to believe a reasonable chance of resolution exists. I'm not talking about slam-dunks, but would the other division have a reasonable chance of winning? If not, aren't I wasting everyone's time and resources? On an ethical level if I'm referring a case to the other division I believe I need to have reasonable grounds to refer the case to them. At a reasonable glance does the case meet their criteria? I can imagine a screwball lodging an ethics complaint against me for referring their case to the other division and really messing up their life. I'm not certain how far such a complaint could go, but at the least it would create some aggravation in my life.

After the hearing that started all this the other side's attorney, The Cowboy, and I were discussing things in the hallway. The Cowboy had an observation, "Now we know what one of the Judge's standing orders is: Fix the world."

If only we could.

The Turbulent Aughts

I find the fact the first decade of the new century is almost over to be mind-boggling. From the world's point of view we've had the Y2K scare, Bush v Gore, September 11th, invaded two countries, gave mortgages to anyone with a driver's license, lost a space shuttle and the Concorde, a big tidal wave, are still in the two countries we invaded, had everyone spend too much and lose the houses they bought with mortgages secured by a driver's license, had the economy melt down because everyone spends more than they earn, elected a black man to the presidency, had GM and Chrysler go bankrupt and be propped up by the government, made it through the worst of the Great Recession, and I'm sure I'm forgetting a ton of important stuff still!

On a more personal level my Aughts were just as turbulent in many ways. Sure I had some of my 20s in this decade and some of my 30s will be in the next one, but overall the Aughts were my 30s and so much happened. I lost my job and was rehired 3 months later for worse hours and worse pay. I decided to change careers and go into law school. During law school I discovered the definition of hell as a school was set up in the completely opposite way I learn and 3 years of that is very draining. I did study and pass that other hell rite of passage: the bar exam. You would think all that was the hard part. I know I did. Oh how wrong I was.


I had a two year struggle of part time jobs, temp jobs, and just doing anything to pay the bills until I found a job that made use of that degree. I truly learned what it meant to struggle, be worried about how I was going to pay bills, and where was the next dollar coming from. Then I found a job, but I could foreshadow it would be problematic. The long commute, the odd subject matter, the burned out boss, the tidal wave of constant work, the debris of humanity I would be dealing with, the fact I do the work of two or three people, and knowing I would never get additional help. I knew it was a first job, not a forever job. The job in Small Town was simply a placeholder on my resume and nothing more.

To me the Aughts are the decade of transitions, survival, and rebuilding. A decade of nothing going according to plan and fighting for any minor success I could get. To me it feels like the Lost Decade. I lost 10 years of my life and I can't say I'm in a better position now in 2009 than I was in 1999. Yet I feel a very guarded sense of optimism now. I've rebuilt the foundation of my life and now all the cinder blocks are in place to actually build something. I'm in the process of buying my home. I've only lived here forever so why not actually own it. Thanks to EHarmChemMatch.com I'm at least dating again. Despite some horror stories I could describe as dating in the 21st century perhaps that can evolve into a good relationship one day. Once I've bought my home I'll begin the process of looking for a new job. I'm not certain how many jobs are out there right now. I've heard too many stories of not filling open positions and actual shedding of jobs. Still the economy churns jobs and something has to be out there I would fit into. I doubt the perfect job is out there, but I'm sure something better is out there. Then I might start believing the law school/lawyer experiment was worth it.

I can see change is coming. I'm hoping the changes will be positive. Some of my friends can tell life has hit me very hard, yet I still keep getting back up. It's been an ugly fight but at least I still continue fighting. For 2010 and beyond I want to be the one swinging and see my punches bring positive things to my life. I want to the fruits of my labor blossom and I think I'm finally in a position to start doing that. Guarded optimism indeed. Happy New Year to all and may we get the good things we want. I know I've worked for it.

The Esoteric Objects

I have an extensive collection of esoteric objects that reflect my love of various movies, television shows, and numerous hobbies. When people find one of the objects in my esoteric collection they tend to have one of three reactions: 1) Oh you like such and such. 2) What the hell is that? 3) OH MY GOD YOU HAVE A...! It is fun to watch their reactions. What is the most fun is when someone else is in the know. They see the object, recognize what it is or what it means, and they appreciate its coolness. Some things are just a subtle wink and a nod and I appreciate that.

Though I refuse to pay 2 day shipping which would ensure arrival before Christmas I stumbled upon something that is very very cool. At least to me it is extremely cool and it will add to my esoteric collection. I can't wait for the first person to notice it on my wall and just grin in amazement.

Merry Christmas folks. I hope your holiday shopping is already finished.

Christmas Shopping In The Snow. No problem!

I'm not 100% recovered from the flu yet. I tire easily and I still have a cough that comes up every few minutes with the occasional slime my lungs are trying to expel. Ugh. At least my appetite seems to be recovering a bit. I've been able to eat cereal, leftover pizza, and a turkey etoufee. I just can't eat anything quickly. That might not be a bad thing actually as it could help me lose some weight.

Since being incapacitated with the flu for a week really put a crimp in a lot of my plans I used this weekend to get some of them in gear. Job #1: Christmas shopping. The original plan was to use Amazon.com so I could avoid the holiday shopping crowds. I looked at my parents' lists and realized I could get something for both of them at the same big box electronics store.

The good news about this big box was it wasn't in or near a huge mall. In fact it's a bit of a pain to get into and why this particular building has been 4 different stores since it was built. I took a back way to the store and didn't hit any traffic. Looking around I was surprised the overall traffic wasn't too bad. It only took me around 30 minutes to grab four items for Mom and Dad Hart. Another 10 or 15 minutes to get through the line to pay for them and I was out the door.

5 days before Christmas and I think I'm already finished. This could be a record for me.

Survival Of The Fittest Part II

Except for a few hours on Monday morning to cover some hearings I've been near death at home the entire week. I'm working on the assumption it is the regular flu. Fever, aches, nasty cough, no energy, no appetite. Compared to people suffering with diarrhea or vomiting or both I have the better symptoms I suppose. Small consolation as from Sunday to Wednesday I still felt like I was near death. Constant coughing, no energy at all, the inability to sleep since I'm coughing all the time, and the constant desire to drink water, apple juice, orange juice, and whatever flavor of Crystal Light is handy at the moment. I bought a 3 liter container of apple juice Monday afternoon and finished it this morning.

For the past few days I've been napping and sleeping whenever I want. Monday and Tuesday I could only be awake for about 3 hours at a time. Sleep in my bed, sleep on the futon, sleep in the recliner chair, it didn't matter. Sometimes I moved only for the reason of sleeping someplace different. I'm not sure how much I actually slept given all the coughing I was doing.

Wednesday was both a highlight and a low light. The fever finally broke and I could actually eat one sandwich for a meal. The bad part was when I stepped out of the shower and suddenly felt vertigo. You know in the movies when the helicopter is hit and the alarms start going off while the camera is suddenly shaky to enhance the feeling of danger? I swear I heard, BREEEP!!! BREEEP!!! BREEP!!! in the back of my mind as I reached for the toilet but couldn't find it. I wasn't sure what was going to happen, but I figured sitting down as a better position than standing up. And...nothing...happened. I put my head on the sink, drank some water, and after a few minutes the vertigo disappeared. Much ado over nothing, but for a scant few seconds I was honestly scared. I knew if I passed out I would likely hit my head on something making things even worse. I didn't want to die like Elvis on the toilet.

Today I feel vaguely normal, call it 60%. I can talk on the phone for a few minutes, something Mom Hart doesn't quite understand. Hi Mom I'm calling to let you know I'm still alive, not wanting to go to the Emergency Room, but I'm not wanting to get into a long story of the day. I'm not certain why she doesn't understand that.

Small Town gave me a call back today as well. They've had a few of their own funny issues without me. They're glad I'm not dead and if I can make it in tomorrow for some work and the holiday lunch that would be good. Umm..upon gazing at the calendar there appears to be quite a number of hearings tomorrow. I'm rather surprised. The real question is how many of them are false positives? I suspect a lot of them have been continued, but I won't know until I arrive.

I'm hoping by Monday I can be at 100%. I'm tired of feeling tired.

Survival Of The Fittest.

Yesterday it was obvious I was coming down with some winter crude. A cough, some phlegm, and a general feeling of tiredness. I even woke up last night twice just to drink some water as I felt incredibly dehydrated.

Today's mission is simple: 1) drink plenty of fluids, 2) stay warm and dry, 3) don't do too much and exert myself, and 4) a good nap after the football game.

The Boss is taking a vacation day tomorrow so I'm the only one that can do the few hearings we have tomorrow. Luckily the courts are shutting down for the holiday season so we don't have many hearings through the end of the year. I'm just hoping I can kill whatever bug is in my system and be okay for tomorrow. I've been sick at work before and it is always miserable. If worse comes to worse I suppose I could just leave after the last hearing. I hope we don't have anything in the late afternoon if that is the case.

I think this job is trying to kill me.

Officially Winter

The weekend had some obsolutely freezing weather. What was a minor chance of snow ended up being an inch. I just happened to glance out my bedroom window and noticed all the white stuff. Surprise!

Instead of staying at home with a cup of hot chocolate and enjoying the view I had to go into work. Ugh. Last week was so obnoxious I'm still recovering from it. A drive in the first snowfall was not what I needed. For whatever reason people forget how to drive in snow the first time it comes back. SLOW DOWN YOU MORONS! Seriously, just slow down, don't tailgate, anticipate your movements and you're usually okay.

I never got above 55 m.p.h. on the interstate and 45 m.p.h. on the highway. I squeezed past two wrecks and numerous slideoffs. I followed my own advice and got into Small Town without any big problems. It took an extra 20 minutes so I'm glad I left 15 minutes early. So much for getting an early start to the day.

One day I hope to enjoy a snow day. I remember when snow was fun and not the enemy. I still want that cup of hot chocolate.